Hazardous to your health
by RobinLinn
Summary: When Frank and Joe stop in a small town they learn of a new danger.


I don't own the Hardy Boys. I'm not making money.

Hazardous to your health

Frank and Joe Hardy were on their way home to Bayport when they pulled into a small town for gas and a bite to eat. There was nothing particularly remarkable about the town. In fact you it would be difficult to find a more normal town.

Coasting into a small gas station the two boys exited the vehicle. While Frank began to pump gas into the car, Joe went inside to pay the attendant. He returned a couple of minutes later two cans of pop in his hands. Handing one to his brother he popped the top on his own and took a long swallow.

"What's the name of this place anyway?" Joe asked.

"I'm not sure," Frank admitted.

"Not much of a detective," Joe teased.

Frank glared at his year younger brother, but there wasn't much heat behind it. "You didn't notice the name either."

Joe shrugged, "I was distracted."

Frank glanced around as he waited on the tank to fill. "What distracted you the most Joe, the completely ordinary buildings or the completely normal middle-class people?"

"Ha, ha, if you must know it was the ordinariness of the place that distracted me. I mean come on Frank have you ever seen a more boring town in your life?"

"Ordinariness? I'm not sure that's a word," Frank said. "Now that you said it I guess it is a little too ordinary."

"See," Joe said. He only just managed to stop himself from sticking his tongue out at his older brother. "You think there might be a mystery here?" Joe's eyes lit with excitement at the thought. He loved solving mysteries.

Frank laughed. "The only mystery around here little brother is what how do people keep from dying of boredom?" At that moment the gas pump shut off. Putting the nozzle back in place, Frank screwed the gas cap back on and climbed behind the wheel. "Did you ask the guy in there where we could eat?"

Joe nodded, "There's a diner on Main street. He said to turn left out of here and go about 4 blocks, it's on the right."

"What's the name of the place?"

"Mel's Diner. No I didn't ask him if Alice works there." Joe knew that would be the next thing his brother asked. It would have been funny but he wasn't sure the guy would have gotten the joke.

"I just hope the food is edible," Frank commented.

Stepping into the small diner the boys were hit again by how completely normal this place was. The diner was just what you would expect to find in any number of small towns across the country. A few tables, the largest one seating six, all covered with red checked table cloths with a vase holding a single flower in the center of each. A condiment rack sat at one end of each table filled with salt and pepper shakers, ketchup, mustard, steak sauce, sugar and napkins. Menus sat in the center of each condiment rack.

The boys chose a small table off to one side and sat down. Picking up their menus they quickly read through them. A middle-aged waitress took their orders, returning quickly with their drinks before leaving them to themselves. As detectives both boys had a natural curiosity about people and their surroundings. While they talked to each other of unimportant things each was listening to the conversations around them at the same time. Neither was surprised that all of the conversation they heard was completely normal and ordinary.

They had just decided that there wasn't a single thing or person in this town that could be seen as anything but normal. None of the people were noticeable, each dressed in everyday clothes, nothing to make any of them stand out. The same could be said of the buildings and cars they'd seen as they drove through town. No, nothing about this town could be said to be special or extraordinary. This is what they thought and then she walked in.

At first she too seemed ordinary but then Joe noticed the confidence with which she walked in spite of the odd shape of her head. Frank followed this observation with one of his own, pointing out the gold encrusted pipe the woman held between her teeth, smoke curling from the bowl. The moment she entered the diner every eye was on her. She was apparently well-known in the town for she stopped at each table, greeting every person at them with a smile and some comment.

Frank noticed that some of the comments seemed quite arrogant but none of the diners seemed offended. They actually seemed to appreciate her comments on their activities, taking them as compliments even when they were the exact opposite. He was startled when she approached the table he shared with his brother.

"Hello," the woman said. "My name is Zariah." She said this as if they should know who she was and be grateful for her attention.

"Hello, I'm Frank Har..." but he got no further.

"Is that your convertible parked by the curb? Of course it must be for I've never seen it before today. I wonder that you would choose yellow for the color. Don't you think that's a bit gaudy? You should paint it a nice light blue, it would look much better." Before either of the Hardys could answer she had moved on to the next table.

Zariah continued through the diner, speaking to all the patrons as has already been stated. Reaching a small table that sat on a slightly raised dais she took a seat and waited. It was apparently known what she wanted for she had barely sat down when the waitress appeared with her meal and drink.

"Kind of rude isn't she?" Joe asked.

Frank shrugged. "I guess. Doesn't matter anyway, it isn't like we'll be in this town again."

"So we're not painting the car blue?"

"Nope. I like our gaudy yellow car."

Joe grinned. "Me too."

"You really should listen to Zariah," a woman at the next table said. "She's very knowledgeable you know. So generous too. Why she didn't get at all offended when I chose to paint my house the same color as her's. I almost didn't do it. I mean I'm not nearly as talented and knowledgeable as Zariah and I certainly didn't want her to be offended. She just laughed it off, said it was perfectly okay with her if I copied her." Here the woman blushed as red as a tomato. "I really am terrible at such things and was so proud that she understood it was a compliment. I could have chosen a different color but like I said I'm terrible at those things and I just couldn't resist. It was just such a crisp, fresh white that I knew I had to have it for my house too."

Joe inhaled his drink at this statement and spent the next couple of minutes coughing while Frank thumped him on the back.

"Oh my, are you alright? Should I get Zariah?" the woman asked.

"No, he'll be okay."

"Are you sure?" She looked doubtful and on the verge of summoning Zariah.

"I'm fine," Joe managed. "Went down wrong."

The woman seemed about to say something else when her face suddenly took on a horror stricken appearance. "Zariah!" she screamed.

The boys turned towards the raised table just in time to witness the woman called Zariah turning red. Her head, already oddly shaped, seemed to be growing in size, the skin stretching tight across her skull giving her a grotesque appearance. Nobody moved, all seemed frozen in their seats. How long the scene would have remained so is a mystery of its own. A loud explosive sound was heard, similar to that of somebody passing wind. This sound wasn't accompanied however by a rank odor but rather by a rush of air and grey matter as Zariah's head exploded.

This had the diners moving as they all rushed to the exit, anxious to be away from the horrible sight. Frank and Joe continued to sit, staring at what was left of the woman. They thought it was terrible that she had died so horribly but they couldn't stop being excited by the mystery it supplied them with.

The diner employees stood around, staring at the woman uncertainly.

"Don't you think you should call the police?" Frank suggested.

"Yeah, guess so," the cook said.

"Better call doc too, he'll get here faster anyway," the waitress added.

The cook nodded and went to make his calls. He was back in a few minutes to inform them that both doctor and police were on their way.

"Did Zariah have any enemies?" Joe asked the waitress. She was standing closest to them and he thought it would be a good place to start.

"Zariah?" She looked genuinely shocked. "No, everybody loved and admired her. Why would you ask something like that?"

"Well people don't usually have their head explode for no reason."

"No, I suppose not. I don't think anybody would want to kill her though."

The doctor arrived at this point. He quickly went to work in examining the body, making notes as he did. His questions to those in the diner were answered with honest confusion as to what could have caused the unusual death. Frank suggested poison but he couldn't think of any that would have the effect of making your head explode. Joe thought maybe a high powered rifle but no bullet hole could be found any of the windows.

The sheriff arrived from the county seat, the reason it took him longer to arrive. "What's going on here?" he asked. Those in the diner filled him in on the events of the day. He nodded thoughtfully, writing in a small notebook from time to time. He didn't think much of Frank's theory or Joe's and he didn't mind telling them so. Stepping over to the body he began an examination of his own.

"What's this?" he asked. Turning towards the group he presented them with the gold encrusted pipe.

"That's Zariah's pipe, she always has it with her," the waitress said.

"Is that so?" Bringing the pipe to his nose he took a whiff of the contents. The smell created by an exploding head covered it mostly but there was an underlying odor he recognized. "What do you think of this Doctor?"

The doctor took the pipe from him and he too sniffed the contents. "Of course, I should have realized. She had all the symptoms too, poor thing."

"Realized what Doctor?" Joe asked.

"I can confidently state the cause of death and it wasn't murder."

"You smelled it too then?" the sheriff asked.

"Smelled what?" Frank asked.

"I'll tell you what it is boys and let this be a lesson to you, all of you." The doctor waved the pipe around, indicating all of those in the diner. "This," he said pointing to the body of Zariah, "is what happens when you smoke too much hubris."

"Hubris, never heard of it before," Joe said.

"Just hope you never do again young man. It's awful stuff, it causes a rush of confidence that soon becomes addictive. The imbiber can't stop indulging until, well, you see the results here, too much hubris and your head will swell until it just explodes."

"So what you're saying is smoking hubris is hazardous to your health?" Frank asked.

The doctor nodded and set about securing the body for transport. The boys paid their bill and left somewhat disappointed that the mystery had been so easily solved.

"Do you think we should paint the car Frank?" Joe asked. He liked the yellow of their car but it would be a fitting tribute to a woman who had become the victim of the horrible drug hubris.

"Joe I am not changing the color or our car on the say so of a hubris addled woman we didn't even know."

"Guess you're right." Joe climbed into the car and shut the door. "You know what I think?"

"What Joe?"

"I think we should contact Liz when we get home. We could tell her what happened here and she can get the word out. I mean don't you think that people should be warned that smoking hubris is hazardous to their health?"

"We'll do that Joe." Frank put the car into gear and the boys once more drove towards home.

The End.


End file.
